Thursday, 24 January 2013

relationship advice you already know but need reminding of

Considering the disastrous  eventful few years I've just had, you would probably be quite right in saying that I am the last person who should be giving relationship advice.  But, based on the fact that prior to aforementioned eventfulness I managed a 16 year relationship, and have now started the  re partnering process (successfully thus far;)), I have decided to share some of the gems of knowledge learned through experience - both mine and others - in vain hope that someone, somewhere, might gain from it.

I thereby present:
10 things I wish I knew about relationships then, but do now

1. It's only a phase if you can see an end in sight - and if you can't,  you are taking steps to change something. The same goes for ''rough patches'' and ''ups and downs'' .  If you do nothing the phase will become a habit and that, my friend, will be the end of your relationship
2. There's no such thing as one person being unhappy in a relationship.  Whether they or you admit it, if one person is unhappy it's about 99% likely so is the other one
3. If something is really troubling you in your relationship, you HAVE to address it, talk about it, discuss it.  No ifs, no buts.  This is not about compromise or being accommodating. This is about actually 'fessing up about something you're unhappy with
4. Actually your friends and family do have a fair idea of how ''things are going'' for you, so be under no illusions that you're keeping up a happy face even if you're miserable.
5. If you believe your (healthy)  relationship is truly worth fighting for then do everything in your power to keep it.  Everything. Move towns, change jobs, whatever. Nothing is more important.
6. Pay attention to amber lights.  Pay extra attention to red lights. Every time.
7. If you feel like a relationship isn't progressing because the other person ''isn't that into you'' (be honest here), then run/walk/limp away and maintain your dignity.  If someone wants you, you'll know
8. You are always worth it.
9. Privacy is good. Discernment is fine. Secrecy is not.  If you are a secret, or you are keeping a secret, then your relationship is not real.
10. Listen to your instincts. Every time.  Every single time.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

terms of endearment

Somewhere along the way, you're going to want to call your SO something cute right?


When no one else is listening you might be tempted to throw in a 'honeybun' or something similar.  When you're 65, dear seems to be the term of choice.

Read and be scared.  Very scared...


And probably, somewhere along the way, you're going to want to refer to your SO as something other than SO.

When you're 16, boyfriend/girlfriend sounds pretty good.  When you're wanting to strike a business deal, partner probably fits the bill.   Lover just sounds like you're about to describe a bodily function.


Your thoughts?












Tuesday, 1 January 2013

a year of reflection

http://single-minded-endeavours.blogspot.co.nz/2011/12/saying-what-everyone-else-is-thinking.html - my post from New years Eve last year, and boy was I feeling sorry for myself!

It's been a heck of a year since that post, that's for sure and as I sit at my computer, house quiet and a box of chocolates beside me, I am reflecting on the good the bad and the little bit ugly that it comprised of.

I've learned a lot about myself this year, and in the process of stepping into the (slightly scary but no less exhilarating) world of repartnering myself, a whole lot about the kind of person I want to be.  I've also had a few revelations about how I think I can build a successful relationship, and learn from some of the mistakes experiences of the past.

Here's my list of reflections for 2012:

1 it's actually true that you have to like yourself quite a bit before anyone else is going to like you
2 if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't
3 it's possible to have a disgreement with someone and it not degenerate into a full blown he said/she said argument
4 the minute you feel your core values are being compromised it's time to walk away
5 exes CAN be friends, and it's not weird, and it's not about unfinished business, but it is rare and other people may not understand it
6 major crises at the beginning of a relationship are often still just the stuff of everyday life
7 it really is important to listen to the feedback and responses of people you know and trust when you ask them for their opinion on your new SO
8 if it seems to good to be true, it doesn't necessarily mean it is
9 there really is no hurry
10 New Years Eve is still a million percent better when you're not alone for it